My Comic Book Crisis

A woman of a certain age, a computer, and a love of comics

Group of superheroes - Blackest Night

So many superheroes, so little time

So I stopped at CVS on my way home, and there near the checkout was a tabloid with the headline, “Nostradamus knows your future.”

It really freaked me out. I mean, how does he know that I’m going home to make macaroni and cheese, because my husband’s not home and he does all the cooking? When he’s not here, I usually fall back on the path of least resistance when it comes to food, which usually means mac and cheese. And a glass of wine, which requires no prep whatsoever.

Why would Nostradamus know that and more importantly, why would he care?

It made no sense, but it did get me to thinking about my future. Specifically what my future would be like had I married a superhero instead of my husband.

Then I thought, wait a minute, maybe I don’t want to marry a superhero, I mean, I’ve been reading comics for less than a year and maybe I’m just not ready to commit. Maybe right now I should just settle for dating a superhero.

OK, that seems reasonable, but who to date? So many superheroes, so little time. What’s a girl to do?

I did what any modern girl who’s not ready for online dating would do: I checked out Eight-minute Dating. Eight-minute Superhero Dating. Here’s how it works. You spend eight minutes talking with each candidate, then at the end of the night you let the organizers know which one(s) interest you and leave your number for them. If they’re interested in you, they let the organizers know that and you swap numbers. So I spent eight minutes reading up on each of a handful of superheroes in the quest to find the most datable one. Here’s what I found:

Wally West as the Flash

Fast times with Wally

Wally West AKA Flash

So he first thing the guy tells me is “My name is Wally West. I’m the fastest man alive. I’m the Flash.” What does that mean? Fast like a speeding bullet? Or fast like sex on the first date? The guy doesn’t stop moving and I’m getting dizzy and I don’t even think it’s the wine I’m drinking. Which, trust me, I need because the guy is stressing me out. Unlike the original Flash, Barry Allen, who runs the speed of light, Wally (may I call him Wally?) runs the speed of sound, so I can’t hear a word he’s saying, and he’s saying it all really fast. I do catch, however, that in addition to being really, really fast, he’s able to control the speed at which his body vibrates (uh-uh, no way, I’m not touching that one. Come up with your own joke.) He can vibrate at speeds so fast that he’s unable to be seen with the naked eye. I’d never know what this guy was up to. Plus, he’s lived with a lot of women — check the DC database — which is rarely a good sign.

I think I’ll pass on this one.

Clark Kent AKA Superman

OK, even with his buff bod, as Superman’s alter ego, Clark Kent is a dork with a capital “D”. This is the kind of guy who still wears a Members Only jacket and listens to Wham! He’s the kind of guy you love, just “not in that way.” He’s the kind of guy who’s just too nice.

Clark Kent

What should I wear to ComiCon?

On the bright side, he’d probably go to ComiCon with me — and dress up as a superhero.

As Superman, he’s more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings, bend steel in his bare hands, yadda yadda. And oh, yeah, there’s that X-Ray vision thing. He’d never use that cheap pickup line “I can guess what color underwear you’re wearing,” although he actually could. And that kind of creeps me out.

Anyways, there’s one other little problem: Clark Kent/Superman has been in this country for 72 years. Anyone ever seen his green card? I have enough problems without waking up to ICE at my front door.

Yo Clark, don’t wake me up before you go go, if you get my drift.

Bruce Wayne AKA Batman

Bruce Wayne reading the paper

All work and no play…

Sure, he’s handsome; sure he’s rich; but will he be there when I need him? If it’s at night, fuggedaboutit. Picture an idyllic night at the opera. La Traviata is onstage, there are roses, champagne, then suddenly Bruce is gone. Again. It’s another ride home with Alfred while Bruce goes out to fight crime as the Caped Crusader – with that young boy Robin he spends an awful lot of time with.

Face it, the guy’s a workaholic. Every night he’s out and when he’s home, he’s either sleeping, coming up with new gadgets or talking about his job. He’s all “Joker, this, Riddler that.” What about my needs? I can expect a lonely existence. A rich one, but a lonely one. Hm. Wonder what Tony Stark’s doing tonight …

Tony Stark

Cocktail hour in Stark land

Tony Stark AKA Iron Man

Rich, brilliant and handsome, he works, but he plays too. Maybe a little too much, but still …he knows how to treat a woman. Not seeing a downside here.

I’ll leave my number – along with ever other woman in the room.

Kyle Rayner AKA Green Lantern

Another guy who can pull off a one-piece bodysuit, Kyle Rayner’s got some good attributes, but he carries a bit of baggage. His girlfriend was murdered and stuffed in a refrigerator, giving new meaning to the term “cold shoulder.” It’s just not the kind of thing a guy gets over real quick, even one with a ring that allows him to conjure up almost anything through sheer force of will.

The Green Lantern Kyle Rayner

Lord of the Ring

I had to stifle a giggle when he recited his oath:

“In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
let those who worship evil’s might
Beware my power … Green Lantern’s light!”

So I finished it for him:

“Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight
Red is gray and yellow white
But we decide which is right

And which is an illusion…”

Sorry, I got a little bit confused there. That last part is actually from “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. Kyle is not amused.

The new Atom

Small change

Ryan Choi AKA Atom

A professor at Ivy University, Ryan Choi discovers his mentor’s “bio-belt,” which allows him to manipulate size and density — of himself. First thing he does is shrink down to a size so small, that were I to put him in my purse, he’s be lost among the Tic-Tacs, lipsticks, Blackest Night rings and supermarket receipts. Who wants a guy who can get hurt and/or lost so easily? I mean, he’s so small. And gentlemen, if you take only one thing away from this today, take this: No matter what you’ve been told, it does matter.

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